Most of us know a helicopter parent. They track their kid’s locations, freak out when they go off-campus after dark or contact the professor about their kid’s grade. They hover, like helicopters, right above their children’s heads.

Allie Barringer, an assistant professor in psychology and neuroscience, says that parenting is often a difficult balancing act between two extremes.

“The kind of ‘magic mix’ is often giving young people independence and autonomy and then also giving them support,” Barringer said.

Helicopter parents should not be confused with abusively controlling parents, who only seek to make their children do whatever they want. Despite their heavy involvement, these parents don’t provide enough support for their children. On the contrary, the cardinal sin of the helicopter parent is providing too much support. 

Helicopter parents love their children with unparalleled intensity. They mean well. And yet, the impact of their actions still harms their children indirectly.

For example, associate professor in psychology Jamie Nordling believes that it is important for parents to let their students schedule their own appointments, whether that be medical, academic or professional appointments. 

“If you [the parent] keep doing those things, those adolescents aren’t learning how to do them themselves,” Nordling said. “They don’t know how to have autonomy.”

There are college students who don’t know how to do their own laundry, study for a test or work through an argument with their roommate because they have always had their parent to do it for them.

According to Nordling, Self-determination theory can explain a lot of the detriments of helicopter parenting. In order to be fulfilled, humans need autonomy, competence and relatedness (having healthy relationships).

Helicopter parenting actively gets in the way of all three of these requisites. If your parent is always solving your problems for you, you will never learn how to make decisions on your own (autonomy), never learn the extent of your own abilities (competence) or how to negotiate conflict (relatedness).

Nordling has also conducted a study on the specific developmental impacts of helicopter parenting, which you can find print-outs of outside of her office in Evald 015.

All in all, the transition into college can be frustrating for children of helicopter parents. 

Some students find the physical distance from their parents overwhelming and actively invite their parents to intervene in their lives. Others relish the distance and are annoyed at their parents for still trying to hover.

In either case, the only way out is communication and self-awareness on the part of both the parent and the student.

On the parents’ side, letting go of the gut urge to protect your child can go a long way. As parents of young children, both Nordling and Barringer separately admitted that this is a difficult urge to overcome.

“When [my daughter] does things that I deem dangerous … I have to take a step back and be like ‘I don’t want to put this on her,’” Nordling said.

“I have to remind myself, ‘don’t jump in, let her do it, let her challenge herself,’” Barringer said.

Meanwhile, students who encourage their helicopter parents also need to practice self-awareness and let go of fear. Yes, it’s terrifying to navigate the world independently, but if you never grow into an independent version of yourself, you’ll miss out on the fullness of human experience.

For students who want to break free of their parents, clearly communicate your boundaries with your parent. This certainly won’t work with every parent, but it’s always a good first step. If you need more support navigating that relationship, consider visiting the counseling office on campus.

Ultimately, though, the parent-child relationship during college is a struggle from both directions.

“Two sides are going through a developmental change,” Barringer said. “One side has gone to college, and the other side is figuring out how to let their young person go off and be in college.”

Students need to have empathy for their parents, who are, after all, figuring this out as they go just as much as we are.

However, parents need to have empathy for their children as well, and think about their long-term well-being. No matter how well you might mean, your children need to grow without you, or else they won’t grow at all.